How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
