my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Is it because I queefed?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
