Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I AM VODKA MAN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
