I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
