you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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