Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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