Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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