I didn't shave. On purpose
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
