I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
