Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
