I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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