I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
