Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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