census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
