I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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