NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
