I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
