My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You are the jesus of drinking
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
