Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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