false alarm. still invincible.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
