Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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