just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
