I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have feelings that need drinking.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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