: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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