I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
