It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
