The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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