dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
