you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
