Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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