Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
