yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
