do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
