So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I love you. Go after that dick
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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