She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
