I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
