Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
