I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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