I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
