um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
