I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
