I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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