He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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