I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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