Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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