**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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