You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
