remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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