so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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