You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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