ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
