How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
