WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
