i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think my vagina is haunted
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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