I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
