You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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