hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
