Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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