If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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