absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
