dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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