On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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